What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
