I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
