I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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