All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
