upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
