this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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