You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
