My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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