I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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