Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Randomize
