she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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