I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
