You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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