Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
