get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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