I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
