she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Semen is not good for contacts.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
All I want is dick and wine.
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