I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
