Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
