he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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