i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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