i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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