I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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