Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
