Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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