we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
