The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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