Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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