i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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