So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
