Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
