I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
