My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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