First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
