I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
