Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
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