My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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