yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
