please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
