worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
