Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
