I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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