whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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