As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
