Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
