Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
