I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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