A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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