4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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