she woke up with a sticky ear
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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